Category: AKA

the Great Sisterhood

the other interesting thing abt taking dance classes is that I get to experience the blessing of being around girls and women. it’s almost like a second home – no, more like a refuge. from the patriarchal world.

From sprightly elementary school girls to gentle women in their winter years, each room is occupied and warmly colored with feminine energy, the magnitude of which I can’t remember the last time I experienced.

I’ve only seen one man-seeming person here. it was not a technique class like many of the others. Other than that one person, the establishment seems to be primarily women-owned and operated.

With feelings of refuge also come feelings of belonging, even if by a stretch:

even people of different ethnic, historical, cultural (etc) backgrounds from the same ruined or war-torn regions, if they are refugees, will often apprehend their connexion like a fine golden thread through piles of ash, and bond on this basis alone. when the world outside this secret one becomes hostile and\or uninhabitable, the parameters of our ey3s is modified to seek belonging, protection, safety and stability.

I feel part of the Great Sisterhood, yet cannot ascertain my place. Perhaps it is merely a matter of having to live in between worlds, and learning not to resent this invisible abode. In the world of Men, there is only a crumbling statue, an image or effigy where a son was expected to be. And I can never return to that vicinity.

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i think my mother still fancies me a writer – or a poet ~ what’s the difference ~ yes, I know; one is lauded for making sense, the other of passing repute, a relic of a bygone time, I know, for it is I.

The curtain which i thought was blue,
adorned with shape of butterflies,
in daylight i see that its fibers are green
       yet it hangs with the same attitude.

A happy dream shall I dare ask to see?
That road to Realms of subtle gates again,
       will it so deign to wait for soul effete,
       inexorably changed by Time’s sure strain?

191123, 02:46

Even if i wanted to go to sleep, it wouldnt work. Maybe its time to take Stevie Wonder’s advice and “just go have a talk with god” (you know what i mean)

Allah why does the world seem mostly challenge right now? ive been reflecting/remembering stories and tales ive heard in passing of people or groups of ppl facing severe adversity and doing things like walking across a desert barefoot and surviving on recycled pee, or captured, tortured ppl who endure their tormentors, taking refuge inward (or in something, some energy(life!)(?)) they are liberated or turn the tables and defeat their oppressors, like in Tokyo Ghoul with Kaneki Ken, or Mr. Glass ~

Erik, that movie we had minor appearances in screened at an event i went to. I had no idea it was going to be playing. Tristan the director was even there. Time started stopping. I kinda tried to make it cease doing that, but that 1.8 seconds i saw your face, it set up my eyes to water and i had to leave the room.

It was coming in waves. i wanted a cigarette really bad so i bee-lined surreally to the surface outside and approached the first two people I saw smoking. I asked them for one and they warmly said that … i had to sit down with them. like a lost stranger I complied, but only under the transparent revelation that i as in a state and why ( a little ). They said it was fine, “We both happen to be therapists.” we had a nice little laugh at that ~ then i told them everything; the moment, Only Trumpets, leaving LA, you passing on in May, seeing your face, how i dont even smoke. It was an incredible series of events. Mouse (the Brit) gave me the last of his drink. His friend’s name was Nagini. They were [like] angels. Baby, it was like ~~~~ Im so grateful, it was like the universe saw me in disruption and distress (or saw it coming (or even actually set it up)), and put these angels in my path. I mean, the timing! the placement, the need to allay.

Grief is not something that can be replaced with things like movies or candies or bungee jumping — In a way, it is like fear, and we must befriend it, in order to live.

They dispelled my distress.

You know, you are beyond beauty. Ive been trying to “get on with life”; ive sought pleasures — casual sex, drinking for a spell –ive descended into melancholy malaise, ive thrown myself into schoolwork and constant activity, eating binges, fapping binges, distance from my friends, distance from myself, my soul, my craft; it’s so hard, Precious. im so lonely w/o you. But i will keep going, and listen for you, and look for you in the dancing of the trees and the chanting of the birds of the rest of life.