Category: AKA

healing and gratitude go hand in hand

healing and gratitude go hand in hand.

in the shower today i asked with my feelings

“what is healing ? (furthermore had i known it?)”

fast forward to now i’m finishing this jay from the other day, suddenly realize and hear myself say in mind and aloud,

“this is healing.

thank you”

It felt proper, the Great benefit being the creation here of a space of Healing intentionally, by setting the word in the center of the space.

(In this time, when there may be a shortage of ready refuge, healing is required)

As long as theres sun we must have ritual, our right to it, and that we may rage in ritual too. we may be soft. we may be vocal. we may be with Others. we may sit and be silent with Ourselves.

to say the word.

24 oct

suddenly remembering probably the first white person i ever saw in the flesh; a girl in kindergarten who sat two seats away from me named Elizabeth. she had long blond hair in a ponytail down to her calves.

since i’d already been exposed to television i wasn’t shocked or anything because i knew white people existed, but i remember the feeling of being somewhat mesmerized by how pale she actually was – like, a paleness that cant accurately be portrayed in media.

i thought she was very strange looking yet very pretty, and outside of that wonderment i wasn’t very much affected otherwise.

this was still in my hometown which was probably 99% black.

the only reason im remembering it now is because i was thinking just before about how i don’t feel the…”weight” of my “blackness” as much in La as i did in Filly, which in turn led me to remembering how, after my family moved from the aforementioned town to the suburbs of a city across the river where the numbers flipped almost completely around, i became very aware of “blackness”, that is, that it existed – that i was almost a thing, or a phenomenon more than a person.

i couldnt have articulated then like i might now, the radical shift in my entire psyche upon the realization that most of the citizens of the society in which i had theretofore been living was populated by people who seemed to have a ‘cozier’ and elevated status in this society, the realization of living this life of clear and present otherness; and in such a way that for many years i literally thought (not slang ironic “literally”, but my actual thoughts) that i was cursed, and not just me, my family and every brown skinned person that existed.

i don’t think that way anymore, though the grounds for my thinking is still quite alive

September

Maybe i am Blackish
The mind that says,
“`Tis better
not to speak -”
maybe this mind is me

I have come from garbage cans and arid wastelands
My form looks good in horizontal stripes
Life looks good when we are alive
I mean that

~~~∘ ~ *    @->-`–   * ~ ∘~~~

I met Va & Ve @ the intersection of Highland & Hollywood. Ve is Jehovah’s Witness, who does not hug other people if they look or seem like men. Ve dresses nicely and will dip out in the middle of a conversation to speak to beautiful girls he’s never met. im glad i asked permission

Va though welcomed a hug with open arms, and we embraced.

Before Ve showed up, Va and i had been chatting for some time, abt various things. he even shared some of the food with me that he’d been cooking in a can atop an open flame atop some contraption atop a trashcan – it was a new recipe he was trying out; i liked it; i wasnt very hungry at the time.

He told me that he is forty or forty-something years old and has been homeless til present for almost half of that time.

His energy was very vibrant, loving and child-like – very much like ive been told my energy/personality is – which would make sense as to why we vibed

He asked if he could jam on my ocarina for a jot and i happily obliged.

Hed told me that he is also a musician and he really loved playing the ocarina. i wouldve given it to him too if i hadnt just recently acquired it as a gift from my brother. i said that i’d find one for him, and once im a bit more established and stable thats one of the first things i intend to do

Our embrace was a blessing, our meeting and communing really set me right on a downer day on my way to walking another dog in north hollywood.

Just before my bus arrived and we parted ways he asked me how i liked the music. there was a latino man playing solo electric guitar on the NE corner, some very melodic and heavy metal, maybe like in the style of Deathklock or somesuch

Hed known from our earlier conversation that i played some instruments myself and im sure that i enthusiastically mentioned that ive sang in bands before and would like to do so again

He asked me to sing along to the music of the metal guitar playing.

I admit i was waffling at first, but i felt very comfortable and open around Va, and could feel that not only was he actually interested and eager to hear me, but was supporting me with his energy, as well as with his enthusiasm

I improvised something about how i saw a rly beautiful boy on my first bus, and how because of my then current attitude and feelings toward lust that i felt inclined to avert my eyes

It was a nice little ditty, though the guitar melody was somewhat difficult to sync up with

Va really liked it though, said that i have a forreal Jimi Hendrix vibe going on when i sing. i expressed to him how im told the same or similar things so very often that i may have used the words “all the time”

I was very happy to sing for Va I would love to sing for him again sometime. it would be a joy too, to sing with him and harmonise with his spirit again. and he’s most definitely gonna have his very own ocarina from me, even if i have to hand-make one myself