A lot of Them
I was your imagination
a mouth turns into a mouse
turns into a cat
When people look at me
they see something i do not see
What is it like...
When they see/
What they see/
Do they truly see the best of me?
Category: diary lol
200222
M_ C_ birthday. I somehow double-booked, but one is an event and not a person. the choice is clear.
Also, Earl Grey tea is deceptively caffeinated. It’s about 0540 rn, woke up @ 0420, and had a pee and many farts.
Layed back, couldnt sleep. Looked at smarfo & learned abt Vastu Shastra (basically the Hindu equivalent of Feng Shui).
I had been thinking about changing the orientation of my bed again for a few days and this time more intelligently/informedly. On one of the first nights i had it in the head-west feet-east pos, i had a mysterious lucid dream. Last night i was semi-lucid but it was also a little scary. (Noteworthy is that the former was the first lucid dream i remember having in a number of years)
Even though im certain my restlessness at present has to do with the earl grey, i felt compelled to change back to head-south feet-north, especially as that i had been not 100% abt the former config (despite the lucid dreams, which are ideal – that is to say, ideally i would be lucid dreaming every night, or having the option, at least, to lucid dream every night).
Something im grateful for: the ability to retrieve almost any information in any given moment almost instanteneously. I’m at once in awe at the power of the internet, and at the same time totally overwhelmed by this power and its sheer magnitude.
I want to use the internet more intelligently. (Note: there are all sorts of intelligence)
191123, 02:46
Even if i wanted to go to sleep, it wouldnt work. Maybe its time to take Stevie Wonder’s advice and “just go have a talk with god” (you know what i mean)
Allah why does the world seem mostly challenge right now? ive been reflecting/remembering stories and tales ive heard in passing of people or groups of ppl facing severe adversity and doing things like walking across a desert barefoot and surviving on recycled pee, or captured, tortured ppl who endure their tormentors, taking refuge inward (or in something, some energy(life!)(?)) they are liberated or turn the tables and defeat their oppressors, like in Tokyo Ghoul with Kaneki Ken, or Mr. Glass ~
Erik, that movie we had minor appearances in screened at an event i went to. I had no idea it was going to be playing. Tristan the director was even there. Time started stopping. I kinda tried to make it cease doing that, but that 1.8 seconds i saw your face, it set up my eyes to water and i had to leave the room.
It was coming in waves. i wanted a cigarette really bad so i bee-lined surreally to the surface outside and approached the first two people I saw smoking. I asked them for one and they warmly said that … i had to sit down with them. like a lost stranger I complied, but only under the transparent revelation that i as in a state and why ( a little ). They said it was fine, “We both happen to be therapists.” we had a nice little laugh at that ~ then i told them everything; the moment, Only Trumpets, leaving LA, you passing on in May, seeing your face, how i dont even smoke. It was an incredible series of events. Mouse (the Brit) gave me the last of his drink. His friend’s name was Nagini. They were [like] angels. Baby, it was like ~~~~ Im so grateful, it was like the universe saw me in disruption and distress (or saw it coming (or even actually set it up)), and put these angels in my path. I mean, the timing! the placement, the need to allay.
Grief is not something that can be replaced with things like movies or candies or bungee jumping — In a way, it is like fear, and we must befriend it, in order to live.
They dispelled my distress.
You know, you are beyond beauty. Ive been trying to “get on with life”; ive sought pleasures — casual sex, drinking for a spell –ive descended into melancholy malaise, ive thrown myself into schoolwork and constant activity, eating binges, fapping binges, distance from my friends, distance from myself, my soul, my craft; it’s so hard, Precious. im so lonely w/o you. But i will keep going, and listen for you, and look for you in the dancing of the trees and the chanting of the birds of the rest of life.